Story

It seems almost if the people around you don't expect you to live their life, they expect you to live the story that fits into their life. They want you to be positive, and the second your world gets dark, nobody is around. 

It gets lonely. Being lonely can be intense, if you're anything like me. 

I wish I had confidence embedded in my soul. But I don't. I doubt myself. I doubt why people want to be in my life. I doubt the things I do. I literally have to prove to people that I can do the things they think I can't, but in reality I'm doing it to prove to myself that I can (even though I know in my heart that I can). 

So if you're like me, loneliness fills your head with doubts and worries and self-deprecating thoughts. You question everything and nothing all at once and it's truly exhausting. But when you're the loud, open person that I am, nobody wants to see that. 

They want to see my energy, my smile. They want to experience my jolts of random energy and spurts of giggles when I'm having fun. They want to laugh at my comments that I whisper because I know I shouldn't have said it. 

See, I have my squad. I have the ones that let me grieve and cry, and show their support. I don't cry in front of people, I don't ask people to come over to see me fall apart. Because the truth is, when they're around, I don't get that low. I don't get depressed enough when I'm around people I love, because they're louder than my thoughts. 

But the rest of the world? Nah, I'm supposed to hide when I'm sad. 

I've been experiencing a quarter life crisis for a few months now. I've joked about it, but it's still the honest truth. I've questioned it all. My life, my career, my marriage, my future. I am starting to feel like a waste of life. I'm not happy and I feel like I'm doing it all wrong. 

And then I had my miscarriage. I didn't think it got to me. I thought I was strong, that I handled it well. As time goes on, I'm not as strong. My jealousy is coming back. My weakness is coming back. I'm questioning it all. I have no purpose and no place currently and it's hard to convince myself that anything is worth it. 

I'm falling apart. 

But nobody wants to see that. 

So I'll do cool things and post my bright smile that lights up the room. 

And hope I can crawl out of this dark hole soon. 

I'm not scared of trying again. I'm scared of miscarrying again. I'm scared of the doctor coming in and apologizing again. If I never hugged another doctor in my life, I wouldn't be mad. I'm scared of getting so bitter from watching all the other announcements. I'm scared of continuing to feel left out of the mom club, even though it's the only time in my life (since middle school) I've ever wanted to be with the in crowd.

I'm scared of having to figure out my purpose in life without kids.